Keep Smiling...

Today was Antti's last day at Kennecott. I was anxious all day because I know how much he loves his job. I take on his sadness because he is putting on a tough face. I know he is hurting and is scared about his future employment. In a way I feel responsible for his pain.




Since about 2 1/2 years ago I started feeling the need to consider moving back to Finland. I consider myself to be someone who doesn't focus on something unless it is important and this feeling seemed important.

I was afraid to tell Antti. I knew how much he loved living in Utah. He has wanted to live in the western/desert lifestyle since he was young. He got his dream and I was about to take it away. Surprisingly though he wasn't opposed to the idea. He was a bit shocked and needed some time to process this possibility.

We didn't talk about it much for a couple months because I think we were both still processing. The feeling never went away for me. In fact it got more intense. I was freaking out a little because we had just bought a house a year earlier and our family life was great. Antti's job was solid... It couldn't get any better.

I soon knew I had to approach Antti with discussing it again. We both knew that because of a spiritual promise made to me in the past I was supposed to gain inspirations for my future family. Talk about pressure! I just knew I needed to stay with it and not push the thoughts away anymore. We started discussing different scenarios. Maybe school. Maybe work. Maybe stay. Maybe not.

In the early part of 2008 we decided to plan a trip to Finland for a vacation. I had already lived there but I needed to go back to feel it again. To get some clarity on my feelings. To see what it was that was calling us back. No, I didn't get any sure sign or anything. I just felt peaceful like I was at home. My kids were at home. Even though I saw possible hurdles and struggles I knew. And I think Antti even felt it somewhat.

We came back and started planning little by little. Still I think for Antti and others it didn't seem real yet. At this time we started experiencing financial struggles. We put our house up for sale and it wasn't even getting tours. But after a few price drops and a few months on the market the tours started. We got 1 possible offer but it didn't work out. We tried everything. We invested money in building onto the house. By the time we reached the end of 2008 our yearly income had been cut in half due to the economy. I was 7 months pregnant and we couldn't afford our house anymore let alone pay for the baby to be born. To top that our vans transmission went out 3 days into the new year. That was the month we started making major decisions.

About that time I think I realized how the Lord works in mysterious ways. Everything was happening so fast. All of these changes that we couldn't control were happening to prepare us for our future.

I don't know what is going to happen in Finland. Sometimes I think we are moving there for my selfish reasons. I know that this is wrong but I still get bouts of guilt when I see how sad someone gets about our decision.

My Father in law spoke at our wedding and he said something like this: "Your life will not be easy. The kind of marriage you have is not typical, it's not going to be perfect all the time and you will have to work at being happy. But if you do stand by eachother and listen to the Lord, you will be happy".... I believe that.